Spring 2015 - Day 64
Today I got up and went to the counseling center. I realized in India, specifically after the elephant ride, that my anxiety was getting to the point that it was hindering my life. I needed to talk to someone about it.
I went down to the 2nd deck at 10:30, halfway through the walk in hours. The door was closed, they were meeting with another student. There was paper to leave a message. I went back to my room and got a pen and my computer and then went back down and left a note. Then I sat in the large open area down on deck 2 in hopes that they would be finished soon. I had worked up the courage to go and didn't really want to put it off for later.
It felt weird to go talk to somebody about my anxiety when I wasn't feeling anxious. But the elephant experience really convinced me that it needed to happen.
I had just opened my computer when I heard someone leave. I went right over to find the psychiatrist reading the note I left. I told her that was me and she invited me in.
I told her about the multiple different times that I have experienced my panic attacks, including on a jet ski while on vacation in the keys, on a plane flying back from Hong Kong, and the elephant. I told her about how I thought it started, with being afraid of small boats after a few incidents on my first voyage. I told her about how I felt while it was happening and how I feel so incredibly our of control.
She explained to me what was going on within my brain and my body. Basically, my body thinks that it is in mortal danger and so enacts its fight or flight response. My brain then tries to rationalize itself out of it but the rationalization ends up feeding the flight reaction and instead in creates a vicious circle that just gets worse.
My anxiety is based on a fear of imitate death and my reaction to that is that I have to get completely away from what is making me feel that way. So when I was on the elephant I felt like I was going to fall off the elephant and be seriously injured or die. I felt like the only way to stop feeling that way was to get off the elephant. It's my flight instinct being taken over by my brain.
Somehow it made me feel better to know that I really have no control over it. It made me feel less crazy in a way. It is scary though, to not be in control of your own mind.
She gave me a few tips for how to start changing the way I deal with it. First, she compared my anxiety to a river. It's like a giant rushing river and the way I am currently dealing with it is by jumping into the middle and trying to build a dam. Which clearly isn't working. She told me that what I needed to be doing was trying to get over to the edge of the river. To let the river rush on by and not try to stop it. To acknowledge that I am feeling anxious and realize that is what is happening.
When she told me that it sounded impossible. But I understand the concept and am interested to put it into practice and see what happens.
She also gave me some breathing exercises to practice. Focusing on something like breathing will help my mind to wander to other things and not think about being anxious.
I left her office not feeling very much. I didn't feel relieved or cured. I didn't feel hopeless either. What I learned is that it is not going to be an instant fix. It is something that I am going to have to work on. But it helped me to talk to someone about it. To understand what is happening my brain. Now that I have tools to use to combat it I feel less like it is going to take over my life.
I have an appointment to meet with her again after Mauritius.
Mental illness, in whatever form it takes, is never an easy thing to talk about. I don't consider myself to be mentally ill but I have something that is technically considered a mental disorder, albeit a mild one.
I decided to blog about it because it has become a large part of my journey on this voyage and to not talk about it, or hide it, would feel untruthful. I don't mind that people know my struggles. Actually, I hope that someone will read about the various things I am struggling with on this voyage and be inspired to start asking questions about their own life. Whether it is about privilege, gender norms, mental illness, or voluntourism. We are humans, we are allowed to struggle.
I went to Jessi's room right after I left the counseling center, and we went to lunch soon after that. I spent the majority of the afternoon doing not very much. Blogging and watching a movie.
I was still so exhausted the entire day and it wasn't until drawing class that I realized that I was emotionally exhausted, and that was why no amount of sleep would make me less tired. India really took a lot out of me. It was a sensory overload and it really pushed me. It's going to take a while to recover.
In the evening I sat and blogged in classroom two while Jessi, Philip, Annie, and Andi did homework. I attempted to work on my photoessay for photojournalism but I wasn't inspired at all. I ate banana bread at snack time.
I retired around 11, Stephanie was already asleep so I just got in bed. I love sleep.
