Day 103

I just came from star gazing on deck 7 with a bunch of people. We just laid in a giant pile and looked at the sky. It was a good end to the day. 

The rest of the day wasn’t so good. 

I went to a explorers seminar where we discussed all of our fears and concerns or excitement at re-entry and it hurt rather than helped the feelings I have been in the middle of. 

It just seemed like everyone who spoke had it all figured out, was ready to disembark and start a new chapter. And they knew exactly what they were going to do and where they were going to go. 

Ok, that is a bit of an exaggeration. Only Andrew actually had it all figured out. But it felt like most people had more direction than I did. But that probably is also not true. 

I feel like this voyage has confused me more rather than solidify my goals. I don't know what I want. So much so that the metaphor I have been using is that it feels like I am standing in the middle of a dense cloud and don't even know how to start figuring my way out of it. 

People talked about making sure that this voyage is not the most amazing thing you do in your life. That you always strive to do more incredible things. That is definitely possible, but the path that I am on doesn't seem like it will lead there. It doesn't help that my path was already basically completely undefined. 

I am going to get off this ship, go through incredible withdrawals, and then return to a mundane life that is considerable less exciting then the life I have lead for the past four months. 

In the short term, I am ecstatic for this lifestyle. I have spent the last two years living in four month increments. It is exhausting and I am in desperate need of being somewhere stable for a significant amount of time. But do I want to live in florida forever? Maybe. But I also want to continue traveling and exploring the world. But I know I don't want to work abroad. But the corporate lifestyle is not entirely conducive to picking up and taking off for a few weeks. 

So where do I go from here. What is the next move? 

For once… I don't have one. And that is not helping. I am not one to always need the answers but I like to have a general plan. I don't even know if I want to follow my general plan anymore. But I can't think of anything else to do. But I don't want to do the assumed just because I haven't checked out my other options. But what are my other options?

Geez. This is making my head spin. And has been for days.

I am tired. So, so tired. 

I just want to hibernate and not talk to anyone. 

That's a lie. I really want to talk to my mom and dad. And my best friend. The people that have been living in the real world and can help me find my feet again, like they always do. 

But I probably won't be able to talk to them for another 12 days. For now I have to get through it on my own and stick to having conversations with the people around me. 

I talked to Lillian for a while this evening. She made me feel a little better. Mostly because she made me think about how most of the people on this ship are probably feeling the same way. They just don't talk about it. 

Semester at Sea is the experience of a lifetime. That is the most repeated cliché. But it is true. And it seems un-toppable. 

But what a challenge. To try and do something more interesting than spend four months at sea and visiting 15 different countries. 

Right now, I am not up for it. 

It seems daunting and unachievable. 

What to do now? Where to go next? I think those questions are on everyones mind. 

The part that sucks the most is that this swirly head of mine is taking over my last few days on this voyage. 

We have two days of classes left. 

Then a study day 

Then A day finals

Then 3 days in Cuba

Then another Study Day 

B day finals and the Alumni Ball

Our day in the Bahamas

A day for packing.

That is it. 

They have started prepping us for filling out U.S Customs declaration forms. 

It's too soon. Cuba is months away. I just received the email that they added it to the itinerary. My mom just yesterday forced me to sit down and sign up for field programs. I just read online about this weird tradition called Neptune Day. I just started packing. My visas just came in the mail. My mom booked our flights to London. We just flew to London. I was just overly excited about the Harry Potter set. We just visited Russia. Molly was just telling me about how her birthday is during the voyage. I just learned about squat toilets. I saw my parents in Cape Town just the other day. I just… I just. 

No. 

When you look ahead time seems to creep by so slowly but when you look back it seems to fly. Everyone knows this. So why do we wish and hope that something was happening right now. Why do we anticipate the trip in three months, the concert next year, graduation down the road? Why do we hope for time to speed up and yet wish it had gone slower? Why don't we just live in the moment, take a second to look at the stars, to talk to the person standing next to you in line, to read the paragraph on the wall that you have walked by for months. 

You see your life stretched out in front of you and wonder the direction that it is going to go and then you look back and wish that you had done so much more. But you have full control of the things that you accomplish. You can leap out of that plane, swim with those sharks, trust that foreigner, try that food. You can do whatever you want. I learned that on this voyage. 

What I didn’t learn is how you fit it all in. You can't both work solely domestically or internationally. You can't both be in one field and be in the other. You can't both live in Connecticut and in Florida or California or Texas or Turkey or China. You can;t have steady relationships and move place to place regularly. You can't do everything. 

So how do you choose?